The Truth About Eating Disorder Recovery: Uncovering Who You Really Are
It’s surprising how many people, myself included, massage the truth around eating well in eating disorder recovery…
It is non-negotiable. And, faintly, terrifying. What happens if I eat and can’t stop? Or what happens if I can’t stop eating?
(I’m sure there’s a subtle difference there)
Understanding that my eating disorders were physical manifestations of my internal distress took me years to admit.
Because I pretended to be in control of my life. Someone who knew the answers before anyone else. The one people came to for advice. Like a fixer. I cast myself in that role so I wouldn’t have to explain myself or let anyone in. I had friends, lots of lovely friends but it was very rare for me to really open up and say I’m struggling. The fact that I couldn’t fix myself was a huge disappointment. My ego didn’t like it. One bit.
Not eating made me feel powerful and omnipotent. Eating always felt like a failure. I remember sitting on a bus when I was a student, absolutely starving and feeling superior to a couple of passengers who were eating crisps! I don’t need food, I thought. I don’t need anything. Or anyone!
Purging was like being born again. Blank page, start again. Full of hope and optimism. A new beginning. Over and over, until it wasn’t. Charles Ryder from Brideshead Revisited (by Evelyn Waugh) describes his friend, Sebastian Flyte’s self destructive ways as,
“a blow, expected, repeated falling upon a bruise, with no smart or shock of surprise, only a dull and sickening pain and the doubt whether another like it could be borne.”
This pretty much sums up my later eating disorder years, especially the relapses. Eating and keeping food down for a long period of time was a struggle at first. Because that felt like failing and my disappointment around that failure made me feel low and depressed.
But I felt low and depressed anyway. It's just without my eating disorder behaviours there were fewer places to hide. I do remember how stuck I was in my eating disorder thinking and positions. Things like:
If I eat this I’ll put on weight
If I get fat I’ll be….
I’d rather die than put on weight
If I can go a week without eating I’ll get to my desired weight.
When I have thin knees I can get a boyfriend.
When I’m really thin I’ll start living the life I want.
I'll have one last binge.
One last purge.
This new diet will be the last one.
This new personal trainer will be the last one.
This new exercise fad (generally from America) will be...
Most of the people I talk to on the podcast who are affected by eating disorders are trying to manage their emotions and feelings. Some neurodivergent people and those with ARFID (avoidant and restrictive food intake disorder) may well have a different experience. Food by definition is life. We have to eat to survive. I believe that underneath most eating disorders are two fundamental questions.
Who am I? and What am I doing here?
These questions aren’t encouraged within Western Society, recovery from an eating disorder demands you ask them.
Maybe recovery could be called uncovery, maybe that would be more helpful. The gift of recovery is surely that you find out who you really are. The psychotherapist, Kerrie Jones, founder of Orri (Love This Food Thing Podcast Season 8) uses the term discovery in place of recovery. Whatever the word you use it doesn’t matter as long as it suits you.
The day will come (if you’re not there already) when you realise that all along you were good enough just as you are.
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