We Are Perfect With Our Imperfections Because We're Human
Feeling good enough renders our eating disorder behaviours redundant.
Feeling good enough means we are just fine as we are. No need to change, modify or improve, anything.
We are perfect with our imperfections because we are human. Isn’t this partly why we come to this planet? To experience what it is to be human, and the human condition? Not just pay the mortgage!
If we are affected by an eating disorder or disordered eating then surely it’s worth asking, what is it I am searching for?
If we view the process of recovery as uncovering and discovering who we are, we can also view an eating disorder as a way of covering up. Can’t we? Hiding. Disguising. Lurking about in the shadows, - occasionally popping up into the light like a mole coming up for air.
It’s not me. It’s the eating disorder - I hear that a lot.
Some people feel like they’ve been taken over by an entity. I never felt that but it doesn't make it any less valid. Far from it.
My eating disorder (particularly the bulimic part) lived in the base of my stomach; like a black amorphous mass signalling my innate ‘badness” and ability to cause harm; by cursing others and casting egregious spells.
I have never ever done anything like that to anyone, because I’m not vengeful and I would never intentionally cause harm to anything - also that stuff comes right back at you threefold, if not in this life, the next. But sometimes I felt very drawn to what I’d describe as an absence of light. Or dense energetic matter.
I had a client (let’s call her X) who was “recovered” but still tormented - not really free of the tyranny - but managing her career and relationship by sticking rigidly to her daily meal plans which she had dutifully followed since leaving residential treatment.
Her torment came from “Snake.” Snake was anorexic and lived in her brain.
Snake’s role was to remind X that the world is often a terrible place and that bad things happen. Sometimes Snake would scramble X’s brain to get her attention or make her feel sad when she started feeling happy. Snake was pious and dictatorial. How dare X enjoy life when friends and loved ones had died, no matter how recent, was the kind of thing she spouted.
X wasn’t allowed to forget. X wasn’t allowed to move on. Because if X moved on what would happen to Snake? Neither X nor Snake knew the answer.
Sometimes, Snake would be quiet, giving X a break but she wasn’t able to relax because Snake lay coiled inside her brain ready to uncurl and spit venom at any given moment.
Snake had been dismissed by other professionals which made my client sad because she felt protective towards Snake. Snake had only X’s best interests at heart; protecting her from pain. Snake held the professionals in contempt. What did they know? They had no idea how hard life was and how much work she put in being miserable.
I found Snake fascinating and X and Snake were very open with me.
But I remember feeling for X because although Snake caused her upset they were co-dependant. Personally, I thought they’d both be happier if they said goodbye or if Snake redirected her energies or even changed her beliefs.
I once suggested that Snake might like to go on holiday and put her feet up. Snake replied, in no uncertain terms, that she didn’t take holidays and she didn't have feet, she had a tail!
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